Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
