if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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