You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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