What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
