the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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