i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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