I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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