If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
