Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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