masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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