i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
