If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
