he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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