While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
