Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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