Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She needs sedatives and a leash
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
