My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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