There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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