so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Sorry about my life...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
