This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
