Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
