All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
