you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
