I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you have to choose: penises or morals?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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