I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
