What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
