I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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