Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
