Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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