the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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