Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
