You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Holy sore nipples Batman
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
