In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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