every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
