My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
