my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize