Cold hands, warm shart.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
