Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
