I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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