I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
