look no pants
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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