My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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