youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish I only lived at night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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