I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
