Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize