my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
our cab driver is having phone sex.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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