so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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