watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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