____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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