we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
