there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
