I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
