God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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