Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
