I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
