Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
