so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
