he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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