Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
