He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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