I just cut my nipple shaving
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
