I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I touched a dick in church today
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize