wakey wakey hands off snakey
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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