I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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