Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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