Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
